What do you fear the most?

Truly knowing all of  your values and feelings will bring you closer to understanding why you do the things you do. In other words, you begin to know your self. So far we have investigated the values of your Being, Relationships, and Doing and how you feel about Pleasure and Comfort.  Now you are going to take a look at Fear.  What do you fear the most?

Fear is a distressing negative emotion induced by a perceived threat to the self. The perceived threat is usually one which can cause harm or even death, and death is from where all other fears originate. The world in which we live is challenging and uncertain and death is a constant factor.

Many people experience similar situations and avoid experiencing their fears by not confronting them. They stop doing whatever it was that caused them to experience anxiety in the first place. They may go into seclusion, find another line of work or become so depressed they become mentally and even physically ill. Other people use alcohol to suppress their anxieties and fears or turn to drugs. The three fears we will look at are: loneliness, helplessness, and nothingness. All fears, no matter what, fall into these three categories.

Loneliness is a very subjective experience. You can feel lonely while in a crowd of people, at a party, with friends and family as well as in isolation. The feeling is usually one of emptiness and meaningless. If you feel lonely you are lonely.

If you love the stimulation of conversation and social interaction, the thought of no social interaction could be very fearful. Almost everyone feels lonely at one time or another but loneliness is not everyone's biggest fear. If one of your values is belonging or intimacy, we discussed earlier, chances are your biggest fear is loneliness. No one to talk to, to confer with or to exchange ideas with would be the closest thing to death for you.

Helplessness is another fear that emerges when you feel constrained, locked in or out, trapped and unable to be free. Being unable to take care of yourself would give you a feeling of helplessness. If you value being in control, helplessness would probably be your biggest fear.

Some people describe helplessness as a "feeling of being restrained, powerless, like a sinking ship, an animal in a trap." You might say that if you are helpless you might as well be dead. 

Finally, there is nothingness. Nothingness is the great space where you evaporate into nothing at the end of your life. Nothingness has everything to do with what comes after death rather than the experience of being helpless or lonely prior to death.

In the Never Ending Story nothingness is described as "drowning in the swamp of sadness." This is a good analogy because when you fear nothingness there is a sadness which prevails in the mind - there is nothing after life, so why make an effort to do anything? Nothingness is the fear that death results in a dark, everlasting void with no soul, sense of being or consciousness - a state of nonexistence - a vacuum. 

Considering these three fears, which one do you fear the most; loneliness, helplessness or nothingness?  Like choosing all the other values and feelings, take your time and look deep within and use your memory to recall moments in your life where you felt fear. Look at the present moment and feel your sense of awareness to the most prevalent fear right now. 

In the next pose you will take your three values and three feelings and form your own personal mandala.

Relaxation and Security

How do you seek comfort?  In the last post we talked about peace of mind.  Now we will take a look at the last two ways to seek comfort - relaxation and security.

Relaxation is a way to seek comfort for many people. Being relaxed refers to being physically comfortable more than mentally comfortable. You can be physically comfortable and not mentally comfortable. The two are not necessarily mutually inclusive.

You could be swinging in a hammock with your body completely relaxed and the mind having all kinds of disturbing and obsessive thoughts. This scenario is easy to understand because we have all been in this situation - body comfortable and mind disturbed. It's hard to imagine the reverse though where the mind is comfortable and the body disturbed because of the close connection between the body and mind. If the body hurts it is usually difficult to have a peaceful mind. However, through meditation you can learn to have a calm mind and an aching body.

The difference between being relaxed and peace of mind depends on whether you are seeking mental refuge or physical comfort. This is sometimes a difficult discernment to make given the fact that they seem similar in their etiology. To make a clear distinction between the two simply reflect on what makes you uncomfortable and then decide what you would do to ease the discomfort. If it is something that wold make your mind calmer, it would be peace of mind. If it is something that would make your body calmer, it is relaxation. Do some self-observations and self-remembering and decide which is more important to you: peace of mind or relaxation. Maybe it's neither. Maybe security is more important to you. 

Security is a type of comfort where you can put the future to rest. You don't have to worry about what's coming next. To you, being secure may mean being financially secure, having job security, a trusting relationship, freedom from all danger or future misfortune. Security is essentially having what you need in order to feel confident about the future as well as the present moment.

A person who wants security and doesn't have it won't feel comfortable. That's what it boils down to. It is very important for that person to, first and foremost, become secure before all else. 

Much like peace of mind, security has to do with being mentally comfortable. However, it is a projection into the future and feeling ready for any crisis or catastrophe that might arise. If you spend a lot of time planning to keep yourself, others and material things protected from what might happen so you can have peace of mind then your are more into security than peace of mind. In other words, security is primary and peace of mind is secondary. You would not be able to have peace of mind knowing that you were not safe and secure from danger. 

So now you have three values from which to choose as far as comfort goes: peace of mind, relaxation and security. You can only pick one; the primary one. Take your time, think about it and reflect on it. 

In the next post we will get into the last major value - what you fear the most.

How do you seek Comfort?

Comfort is the freedom from hardship; mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It is tranquility, serenity, contentment and well-being of the entire energy system.

The type of comfort a person seeks depends on many things  It may be due to nature, it may be due to nurture or it may be both. It is practically impossible to get a handle on the why in this case. One thing for sure though, everyone seeks all three types of comfort: peace of mind, security and relaxation. However, not everyone seeks all three with equal intensity. One type usually stands above the other two. Which one is it for you?

Peace of mind has to do with being mentally comfortable. People who seek peace of mind are looking for the absence of mental stress and anxiety. They want the presence of serenity, calmness, quietness and inner peace

Peace of mind comes when the mind is quiet, comfortable and focused, undisturbed and free from distractions. Life is not stressful. Thoughts are collected or emptied out. Quiet and calm thoughts are necessary for peace of mind.

People may seek peace of mind through meditation, reading a book, watching TV, being with a loved one, lying on the beach listening to the waves roll in, listening to soothing music, taking a vacation to some peaceful venue away from the hustle and bustle of city life.

Seeking peace of mind may be taken to extreme. Extremism is a judgment call and what seems extreme to one person may not be extreme to another.  You can be the judge. 

There is a fellow I know who makes every effort to never be caught in a group setting. He has arranged his life around avoiding more than four people at a time. To those who know him say he is a recluse. He lives alone but will invite people over to his house as long as there are no more than four people and the visit doesn't last longer than one hour. He doesn't belong to any club, doesn't go to church or attend parties and refuses to go anywhere there might be a large group. Some have labeled him antisocial and a social phobic. These are labels other people have placed on him. Whatever the case, this is the way he seeks peace of mind. There is no right or wrong 

In the next post we will discuss the other two types of comfort - security and being relaxed.  

Maybe You are into Aesthetics

In the last two posts we discussed novelty and stimulation as types of pleasure you might be into. The third, and last, type of pleasure is aesthetics. 

Those who seek aesthetics enjoy beholding things that are beautiful, such as works of art, music, a landscape, animals, other humans, etc. The thing you consider beautiful gives you a good feeling and you could behold it for a long time without becoming bored. You like beautiful things more than you like novelty or stimulation. 

The old saying that beauty is in the eye of the beholder is very true when it comes to the pleasure of aesthetics. Do you like Bach or Rapp, Picasso or Rembrandt, oceans or mountains, sunset or sunrise? None of these may appeal to you and that's okay, but as long as you seek pleasure in the form of what you consider beautiful, you are into aesthetics. 

What is your pleasure - novelty, stimulation or aesthetics?  If you don't know yet take your time to think about it. Remember things you have done that gave you the most pleasure in life. Where do they fit?  Do they fit into experiences that were novel, stimulating or beautiful?  Pick one and write it down because in the next post we will get into what you do to seek comfort.  

There are only two more values to go in order to form your own personal mandala that depicts your self - how and why you do the things you do. You will have total insight into you - the person you call "Me" and "I."  

What is your Pleasure?

There are three ways one finds pleasure and they are by way of stimulation, novelty and aesthetics. If you know of a fourth way, please let me know. I've talked to many people about this subject and no one has yet come up with a fourth.

In the last post we discussed stimulation and whether or not you (the reader) are into this kind of pleasure. If you haven't read that post, simply scroll down. In this post we will talk about novelty.

If you are into novelty you like doing things out of the ordinary. Finding out what is behind the next door is interesting and intriguing. This could mean taking risks or experiencing things that are taboo or anti-social or even immoral. The key is experiencing the unusual. You might enjoy going on an intense roller coaster ride for the first time but repeating it might lose its value For one who is into stimulation, however, the repeated rides can still bring the "rush."

A person who likes novelty usually is going from one thing to the next, seeking the pleasure of diversity. If a person robs a bank one day, goes to church the next day, has illicit sex the following day and then takes a trip to another country he has never been to could be into novelty. But the only person that would really know would be that person.

Seeking the pleasure of novelty may not be as dramatic as what we just mentioned above. Novelty could be much less stimulating. My next door neighbor agrees that he is into novelty. When I first met him he owned an auto repair shop. One year later he sold the shop and bought a small cafe. He took a baking class at the local community college and baked his own gods and was doing very well with the business and then sold it eighteen months later and opened an antique shop. He became a picker and sold old and unusual items for much more than what he paid for them. In just over one year he auctioned off everything in the store and moved to another state, bought two apartments and rented them out. After two years he moved back into his original house next door. Now he takes in homeless dogs. 

If stimulation and/or novelty are not what you are into, you might prefer aesthetics. That's the topic for the next post. After that post you will have to decide which one you like the most. 

What are your feelings?

In this post you will continue to learn things about yourself from the viewpoint of how you feel about yourself and the world around you. You are going to focus on the feelings of your being and pick values from three groups (triad) as you did in the last three posts. 

Please do not rush through the process because its important to know your self from all angles. In the last three posts we looked at three values: way of being, relationships, and doing. Each one of those values in turn had three sub-values, so there were nine sub-values altogether. For now you should have three sub-values, one from each value. When you are through you will have six sub-values from which you will form your own personal mandala.

The triad for feelings consists of pleasure, comfort and fear. All of us seem to have these three different kinds of feelings but in different ways. Similar to what you did for values in the last posts you will narrow each triad down to one that best fits you. Please take your time and have fun. 

Pleasure is strictly subjective and one person's pleasure may be another person's experience of shear boredom. Other activities and events like eating chocolate, looking at a sunset, listening to music, meditating, receiving recognition and accomplishing a task can also produce pleasurable feelings. The list of things that can engender pleasure is basically never ending. However, all aspects of pleasure can be lumped into three categories: stimulation, novelty and aesthetics.

If you are into stimulation, you love things happening around you and even to you. You like it when you are moved or affected. This might be lots of loud music, social activities, conversations, an exciting television program or movie, almost anything to fill an empty space of experience.

Sky diving, bungee jumping, base jumping, rock climbing, cave diving, big-wave surfing, bull riding and bull running are all stimulating activities but they don't necessarily mean that one who takes up the activity is into stimulation. A person might consider sky diving or cave diving peaceful and soothing for instance. On the other hand, if a person pursues such activities for the stimulation of it, then he/she is definitely into stimulation. 

It's hard to tell what another person's motive is for seeking pleasure. The only one who knows is the person who is doing the seeking.

If stimulation doesn't seem to be your cup of tea, then possibly novelty or aesthetics would be your pleasure. Stop here, for now, and allow yourself to think about whether or not you are into stimulation.  

In the next post you will examine the other types of pleasure: aesthetics and novelty. You can be rest assured that one of these three pleasures (stimulation, novelty or aesthetic) will be your
kind of pleasure. 

How do you do things?

In the last post we talked about how you valued your relationships with other beings. You had the choices of belonging, intimacy and acceptance. Your task was to narrow it down to only one value, the one that fits you the best. If you are just beginning this post, please scroll down to the beginning. So far we have covered two major values: Way of Being and Relationships.

Doing is the last of the major values.  As in the first two major values the value of doing also has three minor values from which you must discover the one that best fits you. 

When you examine yourself through self observation and self-remembering you need to discover how your energy flows. You will see what I mean as we get into your three choices.

Control.  If you value control it doesn't necessarily mean that you are a controlling person, it means that you like staying on top of things. You like to keep things neat and orderly, make lists and generally just want to know where everything is. You like symmetry and clarity. Doing things thoroughly and mastering them is important to you - even if it takes longer to do. Quality is better than quantity for you. It is not how much you do but how you do it. You may or may not like doing many things at the same time but when you do, you do them very well.   

Competence.  If you don't value control maybe you like being able to do many things well, but not necessarily perfectly. If so, then you might value being competent. For example, you may learn how to play the guitar but once you are able to play it well enough to your satisfaction you feel there is no need to go any further. Striving to be the best is not for you, and neither is conquering something and then making a big deal out of it. Competence means being confident about what you can do. If the plumbing breaks down you can repair it. If there is an electrical problem you can deal with it, and so on. Competent people like to feel as though they are people of many talents but not necessarily masters.

Achieving. If the first two (control & competence) don't seem to be who you are then you are probably an achiever. You set a goal and work at achieving that goal step by step. You like building success one small goal at a time. You may have plaques on your wall that display your conquests toward those goals. You like to take things to the next level. There is no end point for you. Achievement follows achievement.

Achievers usually become specialists in whatever they do. They have a goal and take the necessary steps to get there. Achievers may become doctors, lawyers, hairdressers, computer programmers, airline pilots, BMW auto mechanics, and so on.

So, where do you see yourself when it comes to doing? You may have had no problem discovering your way of doing but if you did sit back and take your time. Look at the way you do things. Look back at how you did things over the years. It will come to over time.

Now you should have three values when it comes to your way of being, your relationships and the way you do things. These three values basically represent the way you go about living your life. Another way of putting it is they are an explanation of the way you do things you do. Remember, this is neither good nor bad; it's simply a reflection of values that you deem important to you. The bottom line is, whatever you are is perfect. 

In the next post we will get into the final round, that of feelings. You will continue to examine yourself, but from a slightly different angle. You are going to focus on the feelings area of your being and get a better look at who you are. You will look at how you approach pleasure, comfort, and fear. After that you will have six complete values that depict your self. And then from that you will develop your own personal mandala - your self.  

Relationships

In the last post we talked about way of being and had you choose what you are; unique, special or important. If you missed out on this, you can scroll down to the earlier post. Hopefully, you have decided and are ready to move on to the next value; that of relationships.

The many differences among people and their relationships is one of the strongest bonds existing in the cosmic energy field. The power of association with other people as well as with other beings is a living bond mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Some relationships are stronger than others but all relationships, no matter what their strengths, create awareness toward others as well as ourselves.

When people come together singly or in groups there is always an energy flow. This is the power of association. Some people may harmonize like two magnets coming together, others may be repulsed while some may have no reaction at all.

One type of relationship you might highly value is to be left alone and allowed to do your own thing. You value independence but still like being with your mate or someone special. In this type of relationship you don't like  to be smothered with attention or affection all of the time. We can call this particular kind of relationship acceptance. In other words, you value your space.

When walking side by side with your loved one, you are usually not holding hands and one person may even be walking in front of the other. Sometimes you might even like to be left alone to do what you like by yourself. Other times you like to be with that someone special and share times together.

Another type of relationship involves being with other people. Here you love the idea of belonging to something like a club, a church, some kind of gathering, etc. The thought of going to something like a family reunion brings a smile to your face. You like to talk to other people about their travels, work, family, hobbies, etc. and you like to tell them about yourself as well. Being part of something means a great deal to you. When walking side by side with your loved one you are usually holding hands. A feeling of close connection exists between you and that person. 

The third type of relationship is intimacy. This is a relationship where you love to share deep feelings with your significant other whether it's your spouse, lover, friend, relative or whomever. You like talking to that person about what might be bothering you, how your day went, what you want to do with your life and all kinds of intimate details that you probably would not share with anyone else. You also like to hear the same things from them. You like knowing that you can share your feelings without any kind of repercussion from them or anyone else because what you talk about never leaves the two of you. When walking side by side with your confidant you usually have your arms around each other. There is no separation when you are in the moment of "we." There is a feeling of tight connection between you and that person. 

So, what kind of relationship do you value the most; acceptance, belonging or intimacy?  You may know right off which it is but if you don't, take your time and think about it. 

In the next post we will discuss the third and last major value, that of doing - how you like to do things. Like the last two major values there are three personal values which describe a person's approach to where and how they direct their energies in getting things done. You will probably be able to figure this one out quite easily.